God, I hate this mixed feeling. Fuck you.
This “idk what I would do without you” crap. HA. Bullshit. Fuck people. Fuck “friends”.
The way out of things where you have no where else to turn. Easy yet the most painful, it seems. Emotionally having enough, mentally not being able to take anymore. It’s something no one should EVER have to go through no matter what mistakes they have made in life. To feel like you have no where to turn and to feel like the only choice you have is to end it all. That, is probably one of the worst things in the world and now I realize the sadness of what a family has to go through after they are gone. All I want to say is R.I.P. DH. You will be missed, you went through a lot and you will always be on our family’s thoughts. Cherish your loved ones, that’s all I can say.
I just want you to be happy but the way you act doesn’t seem like you are. I guess it’s not enough.
Im not good enough for you.
I know that, yet you still put up with me.
And I piss you off, then I don’t know what to do.
I’m melting all over again. Im just vulnerable all over again. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop.
You’ll sit there and hold my hand. But is it really love ? Does your emotions run through your veins saying “god, I love you” even though you say it does.
While you turn away and you sigh and tell me you’re not upset.
But I can see it in your eyes and it makes me feel so helpless that I can’t make you happy. I just want to be enough for you. But I know I can’t be, because I’m not even good enough for myself.
And I put this guard up with you and push you away because I know when you say those 3 words, you’re unsure of it.
I just want you to mean it.
I don’t want to feel like I hold you back anymore, because I know I do.
I just dont want to bother you,
Or aggravate you,
Or bore you because I know,
I know I’m just not good enough.
But im trying, I just hope there is worth in trying again.
Memories of pain all over again.
God, it makes me sick, just please don’t make me feel that pain again.
If so please end it now.
All I could think about is wishing those lips were yours.
I haven’t felt that heart sinking feeling in a while, I don’t know why what you said made me feel that horrible and instantly tear up, I dont know why. But god damn I hate this. Why am I such an sensitive fuck?
The feeling is coming back again.
The lonely, empty sensation
Through my chest, I feel alone.
Once again, I feel alone.
Even through the smiles
I still yearn to feel a genuine,
Warm feeling that leaves me
Lovestruck for days because of
Someone who could make me feel
As happy as you did.
The only difference this time is
I have Hope and I’m not looking for
You in everyone anymore.
Joking around or not, no one should ever tell anyone that if they were to lose them it wouldn’t matter. That shit fucking hurts, alright. Now I honestly know/feel like I don’t matter as “someone irreplaceable in your life”, let alone a human being. Don’t ever fucking tell me that it wouldn’t matter for any reason because there was nothing lost. That hurt alot, joking around or not. For those words to come out of your mouth in the first place hurt. And you wonder why I hate relationships/friendships of any sort. That fucking hurt..
So while my best friend went on a date, I went to rocketship park with one of the best guys I know (:
I’m recovered from you. I can finally say that. That other night, something stopped me from doing anything with you and I forced myself to try but I couldn’t do it. I can finally say that you’re not the one I think about anymore. My emotions don’t go crazy from there mere thought of you, your presence doesn’t hurt me. I’m over you. I’ve moved on and I’m looking for someone new that doesn’t involve you, I’m so happy that I can finally say that.
You’re gone and I’m happy. I’m stronger now. Thank you.